time: 9:23PM
mood: tired
currently listening to: Barrett's Privateers - The Real McKenzies
Hello all! This shit is kind of depressing so fair warning.
It's been a bit since the last entry. To make the Very long last few months short: The wedding was wonderful and I miss everyone dearly each day, I lost my job, and have been struggling with lack of ADHD medication. I am constantly feeling absolutely exhausted despite the fact I get so very little done everyday. I have bouts of manic energy triggered by my hyperfixations but I don't have the ability to focus or create what I want so I get frustrated, I can't take care of my home despite being here 24/7 now, And just general eternal anger over my own executive dysfunction.
I don't know why I have to struggle so much with this, but I do. I can't make myself do anything, even when they're things I love or WANT to do. ADHD is such a huge driving factor in my depression and anxiety, but there's nothing I can even DO about it. The soonest appointment I could schedule OVER A MONTH AGO was in september, and even if I can get a new script, theres "shortages" of ADHD medication everywhere. The last supply I got was over two weeks late in itself, and my brother (who takes the same medication) says he hasn't gotten any from the pharmacy in months. I'm just kind of stuck here, which is even worse since I now have no job and have absolutely zero motivation to job search. Considering how hard it is to get a job when you ARE trying every single day... everything is so unmotivating.
I've been getting enough from unemployment to at least pay rent, but it isnt enough to pay for all my bills for the month, let alone groceries for me and stuff for my cats, gas, etc. My savings will run out eventually, and if I still haven't found a job, then my parents will be paying for me, or I might just have to pack up my shit and move in with them across the damn country. I'd rather kill myself than move in with them in Florida. But even the jobs I could apply to around where I am are all shit too.
I dunno yall. I'm going Through it. I want my old job back even if my coworkers sound like they're all going through hell rn (changes in the way we did things, long story thats unimportant). I'm pretending that I feel okay but I don't think I do. I don't feel Anything anymore. I've just kind of been coping with indulging in hyperfixations or getting high and jerking off. I shouldn't even be smoking so I can still pass drug tests but again. I have no motivation anymore LOL.
This whole thing is probably gonna end poorly for me, because I know my useless ass isn't going to get it together without medical intervention, and I don't know if I can financially make it another two more months without a source of income. Man I didn't even start this entry intending to dump about this but this is my journal and I really am going Thru it right now.
If you want to support me right now, the best way you can is to commission me. I don't want to open donations because I feel bad taking money without working for it, so at least let me make art for you in return. Shoot me an email if you're interested, vampireboytoy666@gmail.com. Thanks guys.