time: 11:50PM
mood: contemplative
currently watching (SO unrelated to the journal topic): The INSANE Conservative BACKLASH to Aloy being Gay in Horizon DLC
Feel like musing on some current vampiric-related things in my life recently. Warning for discussions of self harm and bloodletting/blood kinks. My blog is already marked as 18+, but this is especially deserving of the warning and I'd feel quite uncomfortable if I knew anyone younger read the following entry.
As I feel like would easily be assumed by my page, the identity of being a vampire is something I've thought of for a very long time. I've been aware of the real vampire community for many years, but as someone who is a general skeptic and doesn't believe in the supernatural (my relationship with spirituality and God is also a very complicated subject, and is something I've also been exploring, but isn't relevant to the current topic), I've never really identified as a member myself. At least, the idea of feeding on 'psychic energy' isn't something I personally believe in. Of course, it goes without saying that I support those who do, and in many moments, I've desperately wished I could believe in it.
However, I have always felt a draw towards sanguinarian vampires. While I don't believe in the idea of drawing life force energy via blood consumption, the fascination with and hunger for blood was something I was fascinated with. For a very long time though, I didn't think I personally shared in those feelings, but recently, I've had... realizations.
I've had a fascination with blood for a very long time, this I've been well aware of (I mean... the whole vampire obsession is kind of a giveaway). I remember whenever I'd hurt myself as a child, I'd get scolded for licking away my blood because it was gross or unsanitary. I remember distinctly always being fond of the taste. Maybe that was also the reason I swallowed so many pennies as a kid LOL.
When I was in the middle of my high school career was when I had my worst struggles with mental health. I was in two different hospitals, and refused from a third on account of my autism diagnosis (because why bother treating a mentally ill autist, regardless of my "functionality" i guess). I had found the sh community on tumblr, and I used it as fuel and inspiration for my own self harm, as many do. But when I remember back to those times, beneath the anger and desire to feel my internal pain externally, there was still that fascination with my own blood. I'm certain I consumed it then too-- though most of those memories have been repressed as with almost all my time in high school.
I haven't self harmed in many, many years, but this occasional urge to see my own blood still remained. I ignored it, because I couldn't discern why I felt that urge, and I couldn't see how I could satisfy it without it being a return to self-mutilation. With the resurgence of my special interest in vampires over the last two or so years, also marked by a significant evolution of my identity and beliefs (had a whole breakdown over some cognitive dissonant beliefs that isn't relevant to the topic, but I might write about eventually), and this urge has been this consistent voice in the back of my head.
About a week or two ago, I don't remember what day exactly, I gave into it. Even if I was injuring myself, it wasn't done as an act of anger at myself or life, or a desire to make myself hurt because of mental anguish, or what have you. I was in quite a good mood, actually. I cut myself on my shoulder, and watched how the blood trailed down my arm, and there truly is a beauty to it. Impulsively, I licked at it, and that turned into essentially suckling the blood from the wound. Accidentally gave myself my first hickey from it lmfao. And it was just... honestly an indescribable feeling. I most certainly have a blood kink and find blood extremely attractive, but in that moment I don't think the emotion was even sexual in nature? It was sensual, if anything.
The only way I can truly describe it was just utter satisfaction and bliss, and to be quite honest, I've felt this incredible sense of emptiness and longing for it again for every day now since. All I can think about is drinking again, perhaps in a more sexual mindset bc the testosterone has been Loud the last few days, but even disregarding that, I really, really do hunger for it.
Even if I don't believe in supernatural things, or life-force energy, or what have you, God do I understand a craving for blood now. My interest in real vampires is most certainly renewed, and I wonder if I could find anyone else in the sanguinarian community who feels this craving, but doesn't believe in the idea of energy either. I don't even really have an urge to try and identify this on a physiological or psychological level-- my body and mind yearn to feed, and I don't particularly need a reason as to why.
To be quite honest, it's kind of a scary feeling to have so strongly and so suddenly, even if I can think back to earlier years and see the early feelings I didn't place emphasis on until now. Will the craving ease? How can I safely fulfill this desire, without getting carried away? A part of me wonders how different it'd feel if I could feed from someone else. Could I ever get a donor for that? I'm very much not a sadist and I don't enjoy seeing people get hurt(though my interests in fictional stories/scenarios/fantasies are very different than my interests irl), but I want to see the blood, to taste it...I don't really think trying to recreate it with fake blood would be at all satisfying because it really does come down to the consumption.
In all honesty, I'm not sure why I'm confessing this to an internet audience of strangers, especially when I'm embarrassed to even talk about this in any detail with my close friends, but I guess the fact that anyone who cares enough about this site to even read my journal entries is someone who has the same interest in vampires as a creature in media makes me feel less likely to be judged or, a worse idea to me, worried about. Even if this is quite a...complicated thing for me to try and figure out for myself, I loathe the idea that my friends would be concerned that this really was some kind of self harm behaviour, or I had something even more wrong with me or something. I mean, the usual kind of fears when you realize something thats Quite Different about yourself, I guess.
Don't really know how to end this, other than if you can relate to these feelings, maybe now we both know we aren't alone in it. It's a very complicated thing to feel such a strong desire for pleasure, while also being afraid of how to satisfy it in an ultimately healthy way. Vampirism is wild.
Anyway Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom is playable in like eight minutes as of writing this so I'm gonna dream about blood while running around as Link again ttyl yall lmfao