time: 8:38PM
mood: neutral
currently watching: The World of Jack Stauber 2
First post! Yay!
I'm not actually sure what all I want to talk about, so I guess I'll just talk about today and what I've been thinking of.
I spent most of the day cleaning. I can't remember when the last time I really cleaned, and there's still stuff I should do tonight. I started taking Vyvanse again three days ago, and it's so relieving to finally be back on medication. I forgot that I really can just... do something productive. Like all day. Being on ADHD medication really be wildin.
I've met someone and started dating, but I can tell she's head over heels for me and I feel really anxious about not feeling the same way. I feel happy and relaxed around her and I like to be with her and talk to her, but I don't feel this super gushy puppy dog feelings like she has for me and it makes me feel guilty. I just don't know her well enough to be in love yet. I've had a feeling i've been grey-aro or demiromantic or something like that for years, but it's not until now that I've really been faced with a situation where like... yeah I definitely don't think I experience this feeling the same way everyone else does lol. My friends reassured me that it's okay not to feel like that immediately, but I keep getting really anxious bc like... what if I just *don't* get romantic feelings for her even after spending time with her and getting to know her? I really don't want to break her heart.
I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place bc if I carry on a relationship hoping to fall in love, only to never really feel like that, then I've led her on; but if I just back out now immediately, I could miss the chance at a relationship, and still probably break her heart. Idk relationships just give me so much anxiety, and unless you start a relationship with the confidence that you could be together forever, then there's always a chance for someone to get hurt. I don't want to hurt anyone!! Emotions are so complicated and overrated blehh.
Edit at 11:40PM: I told her I wasnt ready for a relationship and she suibaited me. We had been "together" for a DAY. we hadnt even had our proper first date yet. I just dodged the biggest bullet of my life. Now im just worried she'll out me being trans at work. Never gonna try dating a cis again mistake of my life but i definitely dont feel guilty about bailing out now.