March 28th, 2026

time: 11:19AM

mood: bweh

currently listening to: Don't Stop Me Now - Queen

(Fair warning, this whole entry is just venting about mental health struggles. oops)

I know that mental illness is a disease that more often than not makes you feel and experience things are are not logical or rational. But MAN is it a pain in the ass when you spend years practicing your own self-analyzing only to completely fail in having any ability to cope with the feelings you're experiencing when you're well aware they are irrational. Apparently, knowing a feeling is not based in reality cannot actually stop it from occuring.

So apparently, I might have BPD. Or at least I'm experiencing a lot of symptoms that are highly associated with BPD. I don't know, I'm not smart enough to diagnose myself. Everything suddenly just spiraled into Hell when last month I started on Wellbutrin and about three days-ish later I had an altercation with someone online who I really wanted to be friends with, but when I said they did something that upset me, she was genuinely the rudest and most unkind person I had ever experienced in my life? It still makes me really just. angry and upset to remember it. But ever since then my anxiety has been through the ROOF.

I've been blaming it on the medication, and I just stopped taking it I think three days ago now? But I'm afraid that the anxiety is going to stay. I feel like that strong rejection just brought up all the bad experiences I've ever had and made everything so much worse. I had another falling out with someone last year who rejected me based on my media preferences (sidenote: who gets disgusted with a guy after reading and approving of their rapefic, after they say yeah I think theres a big difference between what someone believes in real life and what they consume or create in fiction. Like what.) So it's like its just adding on top of each other, all my childhood experiences of losing friends, having uninterested parents, etcetc. But now I've got THEE stereotypical BPD symptom of a "favorite person" and I really just don't know how to cope with it all at this point? I don't know.

I have a server for Deadlock now and it's been such a joy in my life, but there's someone in there that I've somehow psychologically latched onto in a way I've never really before and its annoying and confusing and scary and I can't stop getting upset over NOTHINGGGGG. You'd think I'd be scared of rejection from my partner (and tbf I have my moments), but I don't really have to be afraid of her not loving me. All we do is tell each other we love them, and she always reacts so positively to the things I made and stuff that I know she's interested and cares. But this is Different. It's not like I'm interested in them romantically or anything; I don't have a crush, and we both have partners anyway. But I'm so hung up on them that I feel like if I don't get the exact response I want then they must hate me and want me to Fucking Die.

I also have developed a extreme attachment to two of their OCs, which just kind of flows and adds together to the confusing shitty emotional mess I'm put myself in. I love them. I literally think about one or both of them nearly every minute of the day. My fixation!! My special interest?? My beloved fictional others! And I've also developed a kind of F/O jealousy I've never had to deal with. I'm the only person who selfships with them!! I want them to be all mine forever. At first I didn't really care, and now I still don't mind if my friends/people I like express like or attraction to them, I mean they are hot!! But if someone isn't my friend or I don't like them does, or anyone just goes On about how hot they are, I want to go fucking ballistic.

I had a very very big meltdown a few days ago over all this again. It wasn't the first time I ended up sobbing because I felt like this person hated me or was annoyed or whatever, but it was the worst, especially bc it involved all my complicated feelings abt their ocs too. It didn't matter that we'd just called for like two hours, once we were texting suddenly I felt like I was annoying them. And then someone else in the server brought up one of their ocs and introduced him to a guy that . isn't a bad guy but gets on my fucking nerves bc of how he's ignored my boundaries in the past, and he fucking JUMPED on said oc and I got so pissed. But then that person stopped talking to me totally to go talk to the other two about their oc and I just. I felt both like I was hated, I was being annoying, that I should just hurt myself or die. And I got so ANGRY because Judge is MINE I want any form of him to be mine mine mine mine mine mine mine forever and ever and I wanted to yell that nobody else gets to have him, gets to even talk about him like that, try to tell his creator that they aren't allowed to talk to anyone other than ME about it. And I felt so fucking GUILTY for it all.

God y'know I thought I'd gotten over it but I'm getting so upset thinking about it again I want to cry again LOL.

I know all of it is so totally unfair and irrational and stupid. These characters aren't real and they aren't MINE. I don't get a say on what gets talked about with them, and to try to demand that would be so fucking rude and out of place, both to that person and the people they were talking to. I don't get to demand that this person only talk to me either. I know people are allowed to talk to anyone and I don't own anyone or anything! But I'm still so upset. I can't make the feelings go away by knowing they're not right to have. I think I just feel even worse for them, but knowing they're wrong is the thing that keeps me from making it their or anyone elses' problem.

I was so upset that I had to have some kind of a talk, but I kept it as brief as I could. I felt better getting some reassurance, but just like anytime before, as soon as the conversation changes, it feels like it never even happened. I STILL feel like they fucking hate me. I still feel annoying. I feel like If I talked too much about my desires for their characters that they'll be disgusted by me, despite them telling me before they're happy I like them so much. Keeping my distance from it by using my OC instead helps, but. I still feel like I'm just annoying and unwanted. I wish I didn't feel like this. But they just communicate differently from me and my brain interprets it as loathing instead of just... being a different person. And I KNOW they're going through a really hard time with their job and handling depression right now. I'm trying so, so hard not to put any of this on them because I know it'll make them upset and make it worse and if I made it worse I'd fucking jump off the roof of my house.

I guess it's just kind of with the little intricacies of the way they communicate? I can recognize the change comes from depression, but It still hurts that they're less engaged then they used to be. When I make something, or when I go on a little ramble, I usually just get a reply of yay! or cool! or yesss! But there's no further engagement. It's like I'm a little kid again, reaching out desperately for my parents to care about something I've made or something I liked, and they just said "Cool!" And then went back to ignoring whatever I was trying to tell them. I need something concrete to know that I did good. That I'm appreciated I guess? I don't need to continue talking about a topic forever, but acknowleding that it was an interesting thought, or saying something you like about it or whatever makes me feel a lot more secure. But I can't just Demand they dedicate more time and energy to me instead of themself when they don't have it to spare.

It's even worse of course when they don't respond. If I say anything while they're asleep or at work, then maybe the very last thing I said will get a response but nothing else, which is really contradictory to my style of communication where I just dump whatever thoughts I had when I had them so I don't forget, so sometimes I'll have said like five things to someone while they slept for them to see and reply to in the morning or whenever. When I don't get Any response to something I might as well just shoot myself in the head instead because that's what it feels like LOL. It was a stupid thought, or it was annoying, and I just... need to shut up. Wasn't worthy of any kind of response. It makes me feel...rejected tm I guess.

Since just getting reassurance doesn't work, I know the only thing that *could* change things is if I actually looked them in the face and told them everything, but I'm not going to. Not willingly, anyway. How the hell does a person react when they learn someone has some weird fucking obsession with them and their creations to the point of being unable to focus on anything else? To learn they hang off your every word like you're some god, when you're just trying to relax and have fun? If I'm not outright hated, I know it certainly wouldn't make them feel happy. They're going through enough already, so... I'm trying to learn how to ignore it. Trying to learn how to calm myself that it's fine, I'm not hated, I don't have to worry so much. It's just... hard. I feel like the healthier thing to do is to back away from everything; maybe it'd be better to stop engaging with our ocs totally. But the thought of doing that feels so mentally agonizing I can't even seriously entertain the idea. At least I had a Little communication. They told me to tell them if they every do anything to upset me but... I really can't tell them that the answer is Everything and Nothing at the same time. It doesn't even make sense lmao.

With all my feelings out of the way: I have realized that BPD is a possible explanation. I've never even thought abt it before because anytime I heard about BPD, I saw the external anger, unhealthy and unstable relationships, etcetc. I didn't realize until I talked with a friend about experiencing all of This who does have BPD that there's also people with BPD who choose to bottle it all up instead. And well. I do. I know it's not right to push this stuff on anyone else. And I spend so long just not engaging in relationships at All instead to avoid possible rejection in the future. I told myself that I'd wait for a lover until I found a real connection, but it wasn't only in the romantic field. I stopped making any kind of close friends by the time I was leaving high school. I only talk regularly with one person from HS, and irregularly with one other. I have no close friends irl made after highschool. I had *some* friends, but they still never really Knew me, and it was intentional. I hide myself and only my girlfriend has really been able to strip nearly all of those back. There's still a few things I keep to myself, that I probably always will, but everyone has secrets like that I think. But nobody else really knows me, even my family. They don't even know I like going by my middle name now instead.

I used to have explosive anger as a kid, but I'm too tired for that now. I thought that was what made me lose my friends time after time. I don't think I've ever really recovered fully from losing my best friend in my freshman/sophmore year of highschool. I never even meant for it to happen. I can't remember what was said anymore, but I know that I said something that made them feel like I didn't care about them, when really I just felt like we were drifting away as friends. And that ended up in my face. And I guess... now I feel like it's inevitable for my friends to leave at some point. So I stopped getting emotionally connected to people so I won't be upset when they leave. And maybe that's why I haven't had much of a "special person" experience up until now. I've not felt anything toward anyone else in so long. Guess I have to blame my wife for making me want to trust people again, how terrible :P

If anyone actually just read this, which was written for purely vent reasons, thanks I guess? I hope you enjoyed hearing my insanity. In lighter news, I have had the idea of making a shrine for Judge and Dove, but it'll probably take a while to make. I want to make sure when I upload it that it's 100% finished so I'll have to do a lot of writing and some art for graphics of it. If I do end up uploading it, I'll probably end up coming back and redacting/just deleting this entry so that person doesn't read it LOL. As long as I don't forget.

Okay yeah I think I'm done. Thanks for listening. You know my email and where 2 find me. I will update my gallery soon also :3.